The Mighty Three in the Mundane

Oh yes. It’s going to be another so called normal day. In awhile I’ll be headed to WalMart with mom so she can buy all that is needed for the big Thanksgiving meal. The house is in desperate need of a thorough cleaning. I need to wash mountains of clothes. I need to rest and pray. So much to be done, so normal…

…Except when I sit still and recognize that Jesus is here with me and intentionally bind myself to Him for the day, it’s not so normal. It becomes holy.  A day that is filled with beauty and joy and hope. My son just woke up while I was writing this. He walked in with his sleepy eyes and came over to cuddle me as he was waking up. What a beautiful boy! He delights me so much and I realize again how delighted God is with me simply because I’m here. What a gift.

I release myself to God and get all emotional because engaging with Him touches me deeply. I find it miraculous that I can become aware of the living God while sitting in my recliner. The thankfulness wells up like a wave. Thankful for His love. Thankful that I am leaving the bills that are due in a couple of days to Him. That I have my family. That He is my help, even in the mundane things like house cleaning. That He surrounds me and is my God. I release and confess my fears about money and the bills. I have caverns of need that rise up in a panic… as I look at Him, the panic recedes. I relax about my weak and tired body and all that needs to be accomplished this week. My soul breathes a sigh of relief and I am able to receive His love as He tends to the deep places of my heart. Mystery tumbles into the morning and infuses me with light and hope and joy. I pray to continue being open and aware of Him today as we do all that needs doing and interact with one another and strangers.

“I bind unto myself today the power of God to hold and lead, His eye to watch, His might to stay, His ear to hearken to my need.

The wisdom of my God to teach, His hand to guide, His shield to ward. The word of God to give me speech, His heavenly host to be my guard.

The Might Three my protection be, Encircling me You are around, My life, my home encircling me. O Sacred Three, the Mighty Three.”

Encircling by Iona. Have a listen. It’s what I was listening to this morning. I hope you have a beautiful day.

Day 4 of a Different Life

Jesus knows what I am feeling. Do you know what that means?

It means more than not being alone. It means that I am understood. That niggling of fear about where the money will come from? Christ knows it’s in me and his compassion for me in this situation runs deep. And that compassion and understanding is where my laughter and joy and peace has come from over the last four days since I’ve lost my job.

I don’t just hope that he’ll take care of us. I know he will. When or if I panic attack he will be with me – understanding my emotions, feeling it all with me and strengthening me to come out the other side of it with peace again.

I’ll tell you what, I have surprised myself since this happened. I’ve had SUCH a fantastic time hanging out with Eli. Today we started school! I began a little lesson plan with him and we had a blast. Up until the day I lost my job we were going to send him to a private pre-k where he would have had a great time but at $225 a month it doesn’t look like that will be the way it happens now. If by some small miracle that does work out, awesome. If it doesn’t, awesome.

I could have let that comparison I was doing with everyone else’s pre-k kid turn into a sense of failure. It would have been easy to feel that and to run with it…beat myself up because I couldn’t provide “the best” for him. But maybe the best for him isn’t what we had planned.

I do know that whether my next job is three weeks from now or three months from now, this precious time that I am getting with Eli each day is an answered prayer. I have never been able to be a stay at home mom before now. What a gift!!

Day One of a Different Life

 Unemployment applied for – check.

Resumes sent out – check.

Spending time at home with my little boy – check!

So far, so good. Encouraged to the point of tears by the kindness of my husband, my family, and friends near and far.

Thankful for all that we have this morning. Acknowledging that today we are provided for and taken care of. Today I can straighten up my house, spend quality time with Eli (which has been a massive desire of mine), go see some family here from out of town and relax in the knowledge that I am loved, provided for and that what God has for me is FAR better than what I can dream of. Also, I know that the desires of my heart are His desires. One of those desires is to spend more time with Eli… and guess what? Getting let go from my job has given me today with him!

What a difference a day makes. What a difference starting out choosing faith instead of fear makes. I woke up in the middle of the night last night feeling anxious and fearful. I spoke out to God the simple truth, “I am scared.”  And then I went back to sleep. Done. The fear isn’t here anymore right now. This is a whole new experience for me – not giving in to fear.

I’ll let you know as the days go by. Thanks to those of you who have sent your love, prayers and encouragement!!

be real, not perfect

Good Christian. Good wife. Good mom. Good American. Good human being.

Each of the above have expectations as vast as the universe itself. Expectations that I put on myself. Expectations that strangers, co-workers, family and friends put on me. Expectations that I believe God puts on me.

How clean I keep my house. How fat or thin my body is. How I spend my money. How I discipline my child. How often I’m in the mood. Whether or not I’m a college graduate. Whether or not I’m as hip, cool or creative as your art school friends. Whether or not I’ve had the same training as a photographer as you have. How often I swear. How I appear on facebook. How well I pray. How much I screw up on purpose. How big the pile of laundry all over my laundry room floor is.

All of those are expectations that I deal with in my head and in my spirit daily. It is not a light load, and I wonder, where is the freedom that Jesus spoke of?  I don’t feel it. I want to but at this moment I don’t.

What if it’s not about feeling it and I just don’t have what it takes to hang in there and believe? What if, what if, what if. Mixed up, mixed signals, so many expectations always swirling around inside. So much to live up to but impossible to do so.

So, where do I go from here? What is it that I’m supposed to do to get out of this rut? To get out from under the guilt & failure? To stop comparing myself and trying to impress. What does being real mean for me and you these days? Can we be totally real? Do we need to be? Can we learn to be real without pretending to be perfect?

Don’t know. We’ll see.